All In

I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, journaling, stewing, and (let's be honest) navel-gazing about a particular question as of late.

I'm just over one year into being a pastor. When I started in August 2008, basically the question I asked every day was, "How in the heck do I do this job? How do I be a pastor?" And as the year has gone by I've learned some answers to that question, but have also discovered, somewhat to my dismay, that the more I learn, the more I HAVE to learn. The more answers I unearth, the deeper and more profound the questions get.

The question that has been plaguing my conscious as of late is not, "How do I do this job?" but rather, "How do I WANT to do this job? What KIND of pastor do I want to be?"

Pastoral ministry, I am discovering, can like attempting to be a professional plate-spinner than I ever knew. You get one plate spinning on it's stick and then you move to another... and another... and another.

Until you realize that your first plate is slowing down- "Holy crap! There's no water in the baptismal! Run quick, before the baptism! Whew... crisis averted."

And other plate wobbles... "What's that you say? A quasi-crazy lady just asked to hold the babies in the nursery? BRB."

All while 19 other plates are still going strong... "To Do This Week: Write sermon. Go to 3.5 lunch/coffee dates. Attend committee meetings. Plan Bible study for Tuesday, develop curriculum for winter, envision mission opportunities for the future, write approximately 92 emails, wash, rinse, repeat. Oh, and be ready at any moment for something or someone to come in and totally upend your to-do list for the week."

Basically, what I am discovering is that there are myriads of options for how I COULD spend my time and energy. But not all, probably not even MOST of it, is what got me into pastoral ministry in the first place.

So because my dad is wise and all-knowing, and because I want to call him pretty much everyday to talk through ministry issues, I am trying to follow his advice for figuring this whole thing out. He encouraged me to make a list every day... to write down the thing(s) that were Life-Giving that day and the thing(s) that sucked life away. And after a few months, to look back at that list and see what really gave me life. That list would provide a pretty good picture, a clearer answer to the question, "What kind of pastor do I want to be?"

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, which (sad to say) is not an unusual occurrence for me anymore. And my normal routine consists of tossing and turning a bit, whining a bit more, feeling sorry for myself for a mo, and eventually falling back asleep. Sometimes I sing a song over and over in my head just to distract my brain from thinking too much. (True confession: the chart topping hit of 2008 is probably gonna be "Jesus Loves the Little Children." I have no idea why, but singing that song over and over again lulls me to sleep like nothing else can. "Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight...")

Okay, so back to last night. Last night, I woke up. Normal. But instead of following my normal routine, I began to pray. This wasn't so much a choice. My head and my heart just kind of went for it of their own volition and I followed along. I prayed for my husband. I prayed for my church. And I prayed for the ministry God has called me to do there. And somehow in the midst of all my praying, a phrase popped into my head and hasn't left since. "All In." That's what I heard in the middle of the night. "All In."

I've been thinking about it all day. I took it as a blessing and an exhortation as I preached about the resurrection this morning. I didn't hold back. But I think it means more than that. As I seek God's guidance and wisdom to figure out what kind of pastor I want to be, what kind of pastor HE wants me to be, I think there is some wisdom in "All In."

Being a pastor is a strange vocation. When people ask what you do, you get nervous to answer because you never know what their reaction is going to be. I get embarrassed. Ashamed. And because I feel nervous about what people will think of me, whether they will think I'm a cheesy, crazy, fundy, nerdy Christian, I tend to downplay all of it. "Sure, I'm a pastor, but I am also fun and normal and... what's that over there?" Changing the subject as quick as I can, I try to turn the spotlight off of me, lest the conversation go deeper and I really have to say something about what got me into this calling in the first place.

But I think that's not the kind of pastor I want to be. I want to be a pastor (scratch that) I want to be a Christian who is all in. Yes, I want to be normal and funny and cool, but I want more than that.

I want to be all in. I want to be okay with the fact that I live and die for Jesus Christ and His people.

I want to be all in. I want to love the people in my church with complete abandon.

I want to be all in. I want to do ministry with my eyes and ears open to where God is already at work and to join in what He's doing in people's lives.

Whatever that means, whichever plates I keep spinning and which ones I let fall, I have no idea... but I know this. I want to be all in.