It's Thursday night (which is our Friday night) and Dave and the boys are downstairs drinking whisky drinks while watching mobster movies. It's guy time in Casa Bruner, so I've been exiled to the upstairs. Which seems somehow appropriate since it was just one week ago that I was sent into a different kind of exile, out at East Bay Camp, for a 72-hour retreat called the Great Banquet. At least tonight I have wine to console me. Last Thursday night... not so much.

This retreat is known by many names... Cursillo, the Walk to Emmaus, TEC, Chrysallis... but the idea's essentially the same across the board. 72 hours of teaching, singing, prayer and all kinds of goofy adventures to get people to experience a relationship with Jesus.

I went because I've seen the positive impact it's made on many members in my church, and I wanted to know more. Before I told anyone else that I thought THEY should go, I figured that I should go. But, if I'm honest, I did not expect to "get" all that much out of it. I mean, I've gone to LOTS of Jesus camps over the years. I went to seminary which, at times, felt like a 3-year-long Jesus camp! What would a grown-up version of Jesus-camp have to offer ME anyhow? I was going as a scout... to check this business out, make sure everything was legit, and return home with my report.

And to be honest, on Friday night, after a FULL day of talks and discussions and WEIRD activities, I wasn't sure I was gonna make it 2 more days. There I was, exiled to this retreat center, no phone, no car, no internet.... not contact with the outside world... and it seemed to me that everyone else around me was having a GREAT time! So I couldn't even turn to some other Negative-Nellie nearby to bitch about how LAME this whole thing was. All I could do was vent/pray in my journal and tell GOD how lame this whole thing was.

And C.S. Lewis says it best... when we pray we don't change God; when we pray we ourselves are changed. Cause as I vented to God that night, a point that someone had made in one of the MANY talks I heard that day came rushing right back to me. "When we live in a relationship with Jesus Christ, our motivation changes from 'what can I get out of this?' to 'what will please God?' Huh. Well God, I prayed, then YOU are gonna have to change my motivation, cause I sure am not getting much out of this. Thank you, amen.

Well, wouldn't you know it, God answers prayer. Throughout the next morning, I felt my motivation changing. We had a time of handing our "burdens" over to God and receiving forgiveness and restoration from the leaders. We did this by dropping rocks into a bucket and having its dust washed off our hands. As I thought about it, the major burden I feel like I carry around is this sense of duty: I MUST be a good Christian, a good person, a good pastor, a good preacher, a good EVERYTHING in order for people to like me and for God to love me. And it was harder than I thought to actually hand that over to God. What would that mean? Would that mean that people WOULDN'T like me anymore? Would that mean that I would suddenly SUCK at ministry? I can sometimes rely so heavily on the praise I receive... did giving this over to God mean that I would no longer receive the praise I so desperately crave?

But as I walked over to the leader for her to clean my hands off, she gave me a giant hug and told me how glad she was I was there. And much to my surprise, a couple tear sprung (sprang?) to my eyes. Here was a woman for whom I had DONE nothing. I hadn't earned her love in ANY way and yet here she was, giving it to me freely. And that to me was such a clear picture of God's love. Even though I sometime THINK I've earned it, I am fooling myself. God doesn't love me for what I DO for Him. He just loves me. Period.

From that point on, the weekend was a totally different experience for me....

And now the wine has kicked in and I am POOPED! To be continued...